Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Oh, yes, he's such a clever little boy, just like his father.
Mrs S.: Do you think so, Mrs Nigger-Baiter?
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Oh yes, spitting image.
The door opens. The son comes in.
Son: Good afternoon, mother. Good afternoon, Mrs Nigger-Baiter.
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Ooh, he's walking already!
Mrs S.: Yes, he's such a clever little boy, aren't you? Coochy coochy coo . . .
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Hello, coochy coo...
Mrs S.: Hello, hello... (they chuck him under the chin)
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Oochy coochy. (the son smiles a little tight smile) Look at him laughing... ooh, he's a chirpy little fellow. Isn't he a chirpy little fellow ... eh? eh? Does he talk Does he talk, eh?
Son: Of course I talk, I'm Minister for Overseas Development.
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Ooh, he's a clever little boy - he's a clever little boy. (gets out a rattle) Do you like your rattle? Do you like your rattle? Look at his little eyes following it ... look at his iggy piggy piggy little eyeballs eh... oo... he's got a tubby tum-tum. Oh, he's got a tubby tum-tum.
Son: (whilst Mrs Nigger-Baiter is talking) Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea please. I have an important statement on Rhodesia to make in the Commons at six.
Sound of an explosion out of vision. Cut to reveal Mrs Nigger-Baiter's chair charred and smoking. Mrs Nigger-Baiter is no longer there. The upholstery is smouldering gently.
Mrs S.: Oh, Mrs Nigger-Baiter's exploded.
Son: Good thing, too.
Mrs S.:She was my best friend.
Son: Oh, mother, don't be so sentimental. Things explode every day.
Mrs S.: Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.
Outro canta:
Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant
who was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could think you under the table
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
who was just as sloshed as Schlegel
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
John Stewart Mill of his own free will
on half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato they say could stick it away
'alf a crate of whisky every day
Aristotle Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed





